When you ask me how I am, I'll tell you I'm ok, but if I were to tell you more, I'd say...
My head is spinning because he has threatened me with court again. I didn't sleep well last night. I fell asleep with my mind still racing and as soon as I was semi-conscious the thoughts were racing through again. My head is aching.
Trying to figure out how I can respond to feel the least fall out. Don't want to be a push over, but I don't want to make it harder for myself. Don't want to be told that it's all my fault again.
I'm already doing everything that was agreed and I’ve even come in his direction. But he keeps asking for more and more and more. He doesn’t see it as our agreement but rather what is rightfully his to force upon me. And I know that when I stand my ground he will spin his story and make me out to be the problematic one. The reason why we can't get along.
I'll spend the day totally absorb in it; totally absent from my life going on around me. I don't want it to be that way but fight it as I may he still has a power over my mind. He still impacts my life. Even though I’ve built tall walls there are times when I still come crashing down.
It's fear, as well. He tells me I'm pathetic. I'm obstructive. I'm difficult. But it is he that does not respect that I have a life beyond satisfying his every request. And the fear is that he will convince others I am too (he’s good at that), and they will not see he is a bully. They never do.
I plucked up the courage to call the police and ask them to help me: to end the harassment. They told me that I need an injunction and before then they cannot assist. But I’ve been told that he’s not 'obvious' enough. No direct threats, then it’s too vague for harassment. I’m drowning and there’s no end in sight.
But they acknowledge in the shadows that it is abusive. The same old advice is given: be non-emotive. And yes, while I show no emotions to him, on the inside they are like an avalanche pouring from my heart. My head feels swollen trying to apply logic and reason to his behaviour, when there is none. And I cannot contain the pain and the numbness that I feel all at once.
It may not seem like much to you, but it's built up over time and I’ve been knocked down on this long and arduous ride. And it's the chip chip chipping at my mind, that I feel like I may suffocate. But nowhere to go for help. No way to change his behaviour. The cycle will continue, so I guess I will just mend myself, until the next time comes around.
That's what I might say to you if I were to tell you more, but when you ask me how I am, I'll just tell you, I'm ok.
What more is there to say?