<![CDATA[The Personal Growth Project

<![CDATA[The Personal Growth Project - Blog]]>Fri, 20 Mar 2026 16:53:00 +0000Weebly<![CDATA[The role of isolation in abuse]]>Mon, 18 Jan 2021 18:12:13 GMThttps://www.thepersonalgrowthproject.com/blog/the-role-of-isolation-in-abuse

So I want to talk about isolation in abusive relationships so we can take away five points about isolation and the role it plays in abuse.

One: Isolation Creates Dependency

If you have healthy relationships with your friends or family, that is a source of independence and separate identity. It is an aspect of life that is independent from your relationship with the abuser, which means that it is largely outside of their control. And we have to remember, the abusive relationship is fundamentally all about control.

So the abusive person will work to isolate you from others to gain a greater sense of control. Now this doesn’t have to be complete isolation where you don’t see your friends and family anymore. It may also be creating emotional distance or a lack of trust, so that the relationships lose their depth and become more superficial. This is still a form of isolation as you no longer have those connections where you feel like you can open up or confide in someone.

So in creating isolation, the abuser is creating a dynamic where you become dependent on your relationship with them as you experience greater distance in your other relationships, and therefore it is easier for them to exert control.

Two: Isolation Through Subtle Manipulation

Isolation isn’t usually achieved through force to begin with, but rather subtler manipulation, such as guilt or pressure tactics. They may say you’re selfish for spending X amount of time with your friends, or make you feel guilty in some other way, such as saying they don’t have friends nearby to socialise with. Or they may have an ‘us against them mentality’, creating a feeling that no one understands you like they do and that others have a negative outlook on your relationship and can’t be trusted. Or they create guilt by accusing you of being less committed to the relationship because of the amount of energy you invest into others. They may even say that your friends or family don’t accept them, or that they’ve been unfriendly towards them when you aren’t there, to create a situation of pressure to test where your loyalty lies, whereby you can’t choose both the relationship and your friends.

These creates a situation where you feel that YOU made the choice to isolate or distance yourself from friends and family, when truthfully you were coerced in some way by the abuser to do it. By making you feel responsible for the decision, they shift blame onto you and invalidate your feelings of being isolated or feeling alone – because you chose to do it – and it also brings shame into the mix, as the victim often starts to feel shame for letting down friends or family by breaking off the connection. And shame is a powerful place for an abusive person to control you from.

Three: A Tool for Punishment

So these are some of the ways that isolation is initially created. And because of the isolation, you become dependent on the abusive person for having your social needs met. And by this I mean things such as emotional connection with others. As you have been isolated and your emotional needs are now only being met by the abusive person, it becomes much more effective when the abuser withdraws emotional warmth as a form of punishment to control, as you are not receiving any sort of emotional connection from another relationship. You are dependent dependent on receiving an emotional connection from the abuser, so withdrawing it can be used as an effective tool to punish and mould behaviour.

Four: Erasing Self-Identity

But isolation does more than this, because your friendships are a way of developing and maintaining self-identity. Whilst you have friendships outside of the abusive relationship, you also have an independent identity from the abusive relationship. This in itself boosts self-esteem and self-worth, which makes you less likely to put up with controlling behaviour. However, when you are isolated, you begin to lose a sense of self away from the abusive relationship. But more than this, if we have relationship conflicts then we may confide in our friends, and they will give us their perspective of whether it is acceptable behaviour, so we have a third party perception of whether the behaviour is abusive. However, when you have been isolated, there is no one to discuss any relationship issues with, so there is no one to bounce your feelings off. This means the only person’s perception other than your own of whether the behaviour is abusive is that of the abuser, which creates a dependency on the abuser’s version of reality, as the manipulation and gaslighting that happens in the relationship makes you question your own.

Five: With Isolation is a Lack of Support.

This is during the relationship, but also if trying to leave the relationship. We’ve looked at how isolation actually creates dependency in a number of different areas, and this all accumulates to make it much harder to leave the relationship. You are emotionally dependent on the abuser, so there is a lack of emotional support when leaving – or at least the feeling – that there isn’t anyone you can turn to. There is the feeling of shame for the friendships breaking away which may prevent you from reaching out. There is the loss of self-identity and an independent self which makes it difficult to even know where to begin or who you would be without the relationship. There is the dependence on the abuser’s reality, as you have only had their perception to rely on to judge their behaviour by. And then there is actually the practical dependency that will have likely followed suit, whereby there may have been financial abuse which means you are unable to afford to leave or your movements are limited through financial restrictions, and practical restrictions such as if you’ve moved area so there isn’t an opportunity to rely on anyone to help you with living arrangements.

This makes the prospect of leaving even harder, as you would need to build up the courage to take bigger steps, potentially turning to women’s shelters, for example, or reaching out for help from people you haven’t spoken to in a long time or having to move much further away again. All with a multi-layered dependence on the very person you are trying to leave.

So we can see how isolation is a complex issue which affects a lot of factors in the relationship, and how it is more than simply cutting you off from friends.

]]><![CDATA[Post-Separation abuse]]>Tue, 03 Nov 2020 11:55:55 GMThttps://www.thepersonalgrowthproject.com/blog/post-separation-abuse

It is important to recognise that after the relationship has ended there are ways in which the abuse may continue. For many, it is not that they are stuck in the past or can’t move on from the abuse, it is that the abuse is still happening in the present, it’s just taken on a different look.

But it still follows the same rules. It is often covert, so it is hard to highlight and gain support. It is often just within the borders of acceptability – in terms of behaviourally, legally and what is socially expected – but because it is relentless the survivor has a constant undercurrent of abuse to cope with which is difficult for others to detect. It is cyclical, so follows the same pattern of building tension, abusive incident, manipulation and period of calm, but the behaviours and abusive incident are not the same as if you were still in the relationship and living under the same roof.

It is important for survivors themselves to recognise that they are not crazy or not failing to cope with standard post separation behaviour – that one of the reasons why it feels so intense and provokes the same responses as when you were in the relationship is because it is still abuse. Although recognising this in itself doesn’t change the situation, it can help alleviate feelings of guilt, shame or worthlessness to acknowledge that the behaviour being dealt with is still abusive, as well as feeling less isolated to know you are not alone in these experiences.

Here are some types of post-separation abuse which may be experienced:

Financial Abuse

Neglecting to pay child maintenance or financial responsibilities towards shared bills and costs. They may abruptly cancel all payments they were responsible for and redirect companies to the victim to pay the costs. This may cause distress and pressure and create a feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to cope without the abusive person. The abusive person may do this as they feel it is not their duty to ‘provide’ for the victim or the children if they are no longer together, ignoring their responsibilities go beyond the end of the relationship. There may be an attitude that if they are not in control of your life, then they are not going to fund it.
Creating debt. This may be through running up debt on shared credit cards, or multiple court applications to impose unaffordable legal costs. The abusive does not want to see the victim succeed post-separation as this would be the final loss of control, and an easy target for this is to try and cripple them financially.
Blocking access to bank accounts. This again is with the intention of creating financial discord and distress.
Sabotaging business affairs. The abusive person attempts to sabotage the stability of the victim’s income. This may be through contacting your manager and making allegations that jeopardise your job, or if self-employed it may include attempts to destroy the business.
Allegations of tax fraud or benefit fraud. The abusive person will make false allegations of fraud to cause significant distress and turmoil in the victim’s life, whereby not only are the dealing with the abusive behaviour and separation, but also investigations of fraud. It won’t lead to anything when there is no fraud, but it’s not about that, it’s about putting the victim through the stress of being investigated and showing the, that the abusive person still has control over what happens in their life.

Weaponising Children

Counter Parenting. The abusive person will intentionally parent in a way that goes against the rules and boundaries established in your home. This is like the gentle but continuous finger prod in your side. Extremely low level but persistently dismissing and intentionally going against the parenting of the healthy parent. This is a continuation of the message that your voice is insignificant and you don’t deserve respect.
Neglectful parenting. The abusive person will intentionally parent in a neglectful way. This will usually be enough to cause the healthy parent distress and concern but covert enough that it isn’t possible to fully get support from social services or court to protect the children.
Parental Alienation. When the abusive person will manipulate the child into becoming estranged from the healthy parent.
Abuse by proxy – the children will be used as tools to control continue to control aspects of the healthy parent’s life. This may be through creating instability with contact arrangements so that the healthy parent’s social arrangements are continuously disrupted, or demanding the healthy parent attend appointments that are booked without discussion.
Fur babies can also be weaponised in a similar manner!

Legal Abuse

Multiple court applications – this causes significant distress and is also an attempt to continue to have control over the victim’s life. The message being that they cannot move on from the relationship until the abusive person decides that it’s over.
Continuous threats of court action – similar impact as making multiple court applications, it is also a continuation of using fear and punishment to control, and to ‘beat’ the victim into submission. The victim may learn not to voice their opinion and to go along with the demands of the abusive person. It allows for the abusive person to threaten the victim in a socially acceptable manner – it is considered within the abusive person’s rights to file court applications – unless a pattern of harassment can be established.
Manipulative behaviour in court – this is to appear cooperative but with malicious intent outside of court. This can be a retraumatising process for the victim, who is witnessing before their eyes that everyone believes the abusive person’s version of events only to have the abuse continue behind the scenes via email or communication over the children, for example. Some abusive people go as far as questioning the victims themselves at court fact findings which again is extremely distressing.
Seeking full custody – or other court applications with the intent to ‘win’ rather than authentic reasons. Many victims stay for longer than they would because they know the abusive person will stop at nothing to feel powerful, and they already feel that the abusive person is more powerful than them because of the power imbalance in the relationship. Making applications out of spite and to control is one of the ways in which the abusive person will attempt to do this.

Controlling Behaviour

Harassment – via email, text, phone, face-to-face. Usually covert but persistent and causing significant distress. May be under the guise of discussing the children or divorce to appear necessary but relentless and packed full of critical and circular communication.
Stalking – includes social media, and enlisting others to inform them what you’re up to, relocating to the same place as the victim.
Isolation – smear campaign or playing the victim. Manipulative behaviour towards family members, friends, teachers etc to weaken the support system of the victim and continue the cycle of isolation and control.

Document everything. There is a difference between saying ‘they constantly threaten me with court over nothing’ and saying ‘they have threatened me with court 28 times in the last 6 months over the following minor issues…’ It is necessary to build a clear picture of the pattern of abusive behaviour. This goes for any of the points mentioned in post separation abuse. If you can present a clear and concise argument of the pattern of abusive behaviour, it increases the ability for other to see and to gain further support. It doesn’t have to be significantly detailed, just the key points and dated, and even just one word to describe the impact of their behaviour.

Boundaries in Communication. The best form of communication in this situation is via email. Everything is in written form and it also gives the opportunity to only access emails when you feel prepared and to respond when you have had the opportunity to process the communication. Keep boundaries around child contact handovers, such as not allowing them into your home. If they harass you via phone, do not give them your phone number and have a separate number for them to contact you on when the children have contact. If they cannot remain respectful at handovers, move handovers to a public location.

Detached communication. Although it is extremely difficult, the best form of communication is to only respond to what it necessary. This means not responding to any of the emotionally provoking communication. Only responding in a factual manner to issues relating to the children or the divorce process, for example. There is no need to defend yourself against any abusive, critical and accusatory communication. This is another reason why communicating via email is optimal.

Self care. Remember that this can be extremely difficult to cope with – it is abuse – and you need to take the time to adequately care for yourself. Your world does not revolve around catering to the demands of the abusive person, regardless of what they would like you to believe. Try to remember that responding in a timely manner is acceptable, even if the abusive person expects you to respond within 24 hours. Try to remember to give space and time and energy to other aspects of your life so that you can breathe some fresh air into your day when the abusive person is trying to feel it with smoke and toxicity.

]]><![CDATA[nobody's perfect.]]>Fri, 11 Sep 2020 12:55:05 GMThttps://www.thepersonalgrowthproject.com/blog/nobodys-perfect

Nobody's perfect,
we all have our flaws.
Yeah but do we all bash our
Wives with our words
behind closed doors?

We all have issues to work through.
True.
But do we all relentlessly criticise
and patronise
in an attempt to subdue?

There are two sides to every story.
Surely, you don't expect they tell the truth?
When at home they spew hate,
berate
and attempt to isolate?

Nobody's perfect,
you need to try and get along.
Yes, I try and still get it wrong.
It's a ticking time bomb
until they weaponize silence
to force my compliance.

You should look at yourself before pointing the finger.
Ha! Trust me
their eyes and mine have only been on my failings.
All the things that I lack.
None of the value I add.

Maybe you misunderstood?
No, I understood
their intention to control,
then gaslight and minimise
to get off the hook.

So, can I please have the opportunity
to give back responsibility
to the one who always tries to avoid accountability?

Yeah but nobody's perfect.
We all have our bad days.
Ok, but there's a pattern to the way she behaves.

It's not just days, but a collection
with intention.
To shame.
And blame.
The Eternal Victim.

They are wounded. They are hurting.
Don't be so judgemental.
Look, I have empathy.
But empathy shouldn't be used
so that their behaviour can be excused.

Yes, but hurt people hurt people.
That may be so.
But there are also hurt people
that love people
and choose to grow.

Well it takes two to tango.
Does it though?
So when he's threatening to throw
the laptop at my face
and spitting I'm a fucking disgrace
I somehow deserved that?
I don't think so.

Well you must have done something.
Yes, I'll tell you what I did.
I thought for myself. I used my voice.
I tried to please.
I often didn't succeed.
And sometimes I got mad, or
frustrated and snapped, because
nobody's perfect.

Abuse is a pattern.
It isn't an alarm bell
welcome to the fires of hell, no
a quieter pattern.
A blink and you'll miss it.

Unless you're the one living it.

So listen.
Please, stop.
And listen.

By Emma Rose.

]]><![CDATA[The abuser in the car.]]>Mon, 11 May 2020 20:45:04 GMThttps://www.thepersonalgrowthproject.com/blog/the-abuser-in-the-car

In an abusive relationship, abusive behaviour is used in the car to create fear and anxiety… and to gain power and control.

Abuse can be intensified in the car given the confined space, inability to escape and the added element of controlling the vehicle and risk to safety if the abuser is driving.

To give insight into the experience of abuse and driving, here are some of the common experiences of how abuse is used in the car.

The Explosive Rage

You can be out with the abusive person and everything can seem fine. You head back to the car to go home, and then as soon as the car door shuts WHAM the intensity of the verbal onslaught hits you like a ton of bricks. Swearing, yelling, name-calling. The shock of it seemingly coming out of nowhere intensifies the force at which you are being verbally abused.

You scramble in your mind to make sense of what has caused this verbal attack, tracing back over the last hour or so trying to pin point what happened whilst you were out together that aggravated them to the point of rage. They may claim it was the way you said something to them in front of a passer-by, or you belittled them in front of a friend.

The reality is their sense of entitlement and their need for control over the relationship (thereby you) and the situation. Any perceived slight- even having enjoyed yourself too much can be a perceived threat to the balance of the relationship – forms a situation where they need to re-establish their position of authority.

Reckless Driving

The abusive person will intentionally drive recklessly to maintain a position of dominance. This can be for several reasons. It may be something happened before the journey began – maybe you took too long to get ready or forgot something, or they couldn’t find their glasses or their friends changed the meeting time – which has sparked a perceived loss of control and the blame is placed on you. The abusive person will then drive way too fast or too close to the car in front. This will also be your fault, because if you hadn’t ‘made them late’ they wouldn’t have to drive that way.

They may drive recklessly because you’ve specifically asked them not to in the past. A bit like a stroppy child, if you’ve ever pointed out that you don’t like it when they drive a certain way, they will take this as you attempting to control them, and they will make a point of driving exactly like how you’ve asked them not to.

This can cause a huge amount of anxiety because you are caught between saying something, which will end up with a stubborn and persistent show from them driving even more recklessly, or you say nothing, and you sit with your anxiety and genuine fear for your safety in silence.

An abusive person may also drive more irresponsibly when the children are in the car. As though, they know your anxiety will be higher if the children are also at risk and therefore their statement of showing you who’s boss with their reckless driving will be even more effective.

Standard Road Rage

You’ve managed to get out of the house and everything is running smoothly, only for the abuser to get aggravated by someone else’s driving. It’s your standard road rage – many people get some form of road rage – but the impact in an abusive relationship is that all that pent-up rage that was instigated by someone else’s driving will now be refocused on you.

You feel yourself get more and more tense in the passenger seat as the abusive person’s anger builds… that feeling of trying to make yourself invisible so that you a) don’t make it worse and b) try to avoid coming under fire because you are now acutely aware of how fragile the situation is and that the abusive person may very easily go into a full on meltdown directed at you if you make one wrong move. It’s exhausting and hugely disappointing when you feel you’ve managed to avoid upsetting them, only for an external factor to upset the very fragile dynamic.

Constant Criticism When You’re Driving

The abusive person may also cause a huge amount of anxiety by how they behave towards you whilst you’re driving. They constantly remark and criticise the smallest of details about you’re driving. They breathe down you’re neck about driving faster, faster, faster, pressuring you to be the one to drive recklessly. Or they choose when you’re driving to be the time to start abusing you about some other incident and start demanding an explanation. They know your triggers and start to push them whilst you’re behind the wheel.

This is immensely difficult to cope with. Your brain goes into overdrive. You are trying to keep your attention on the road, but are also being hit by a rush of anxiety because you feel an abusive episode is building up and your body and mind are going into survival mode, trying to quash the impending threat of the abusive behaviour. This obviously has an impact on your driving, which creates further criticism, further tension, and a vicious loop ensues.

Driving to Cause Discomfort

An abusive person may intentionally ‘ignore’ medical issues whilst driving. Such as, if you have back issues, they will somehow drive over every pothole and over speedbumps without slowing the car. Or if you have travel sickness or need a rest break, they won’t be able to pull over for the entire journey.

Or if you are pregnant, you will be in genuine fear of your waters breaking in the car because they’ve made it very clear to you that you will be sorry if you make ‘a mess’ in the car. If you raise the issues whilst they are driving, they will probably call you crazy and tell you it’s all in your head and feign offence.

Reckless Acts of Endangerment

There are examples of abusive behaviour whilst driving which are just a complete disregard for safety and welfare, an intentional endangerment of safety. One such example is a couple who were holidaying in an old campervan. When they stopped at a petrol station, the abusive husband perceived the wife had slighted him. She got in the car, they had an argument, he then closed her passenger door, got into the driver’s seat and drove off. The husband then sped into a roundabout at full speed and his wife’s door flung open. She would have gone flying out of the vehicle if she hadn’t had her seatbelt on.

Of course, most people would not believe that the husband intentionally didn’t close the door properly and sped into the roundabout… Another example is speeding up then undoing your seatbelt and slamming on the brakes. There are also examples of intentionally swerving off the road. And drink driving.

This highlights the dangers of when the abusive person sees red when they have control of the car. In these moments, the top priority is their position of authority over you and the situation, and if that means physical endangerment then so be it.

The crux of abuse whilst driving is that nearly always, if you say anything, the driving usually gets even more dangerous. You sit with the extreme and genuine anxiety for your physical safety, as well as the intense anxiety of not having a voice and trying not to do a single thing that will provoke the situation and increase the risk to safety.

I can already hear people saying that the simple solution would be not to get in the car with an abusive person like this, but most of the time that’s not how an abusive relationship works. Most of the time, you don’t have a choice.

]]><![CDATA[Why Didn't I leave the abusive relationship sooner?]]>Mon, 04 May 2020 18:03:58 GMThttps://www.thepersonalgrowthproject.com/blog/why-didnt-i-leave-the-abusive-relationship-sooner

Why didn't I leave? Let me think of all the reasons I didn't leave.

I didn't leave because I had nowhere to go. We had moved away and I had no contact with friends. He had made sure of that. I had to find somewhere else to live but he made it clear to me that no one would rent to a single mum on low income. He told me he would stand and laugh at me whilst I lay homeless in the gutter. I believed him, I could see the anger in his eyes, I knew he meant it. He told me not to come running back begging if I tried.

I didn't leave because I didn't have money. I was financially tied to him. I didn't earn enough to keep savings and he monitored my bank account. Every penny was accounted for. I had to pay for monthly food shopping and any excess money had to go in a joint account. I don't know how much he was saving but I know it was enough for a good lawyer if he needed one. The very thought intimidated me.

…but that's just the practical reasons.

I didn't leave because who else would have me? Look how much love and devotion I gave him and somehow, I got everything wrong. I thought it was my fault. He told me I’m needy, I’m stupid, I’m useless. He told me I'm pathetic enough times.

I didn’t leave because he would get so angry. I spent my whole life trying to keep him calm, the very thought of upsetting him made anxiety swell in my chest. If I were to leave, the explosive rage that would follow made me think its best to just stay and avoid it. It’s safest for me that way.

I didn't leave because I still loved him. I know that’s another one to explain. How can you love him if he treats you so badly? But it’s because I saw glimmers of the him that I love, and it confused me. I couldn't work out if he was abusive as much as I thought he was or if it was just me? Maybe, if I held on long enough the person I love would reappear.

I didn't leave because of my children. I was scared of the damage it would cause them to break up the family. I felt responsible. I felt like I got them into this mess, I don't want to mess up their lives anymore. But I'm scared to make the wrong choice and I don’t trust my judgement any longer...

...and I'm scared of losing them. If he decided to teach me a lesson and turn them against me, I know he wouldn’t stop until he succeeds.

I didn’t leave because of the shame. The shame was almost unbearable. The shame of who I am, how much of a failure I felt. The shame of having been treated this way by the person I love. The shame of letting it happen. I blamed myself.

I didn’t leave because its all I had known for so long. I couldn’t make sense of it anymore. I couldn’t gain clarity in my mind whether I am just being too sensitive and its just part of the normal ups and downs of relationships. I couldn’t see that things could be different.

I didn't leave because I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't bare to fully admit what was happening. If I left it would be like opening the flood gates, and I felt so fragile, I thought it’s more than I could cope with.

I didn't leave because I knew he would destroy me. I didn't know what he would do exactly, but I knew he would stop at nothing until he felt like he had won. And this terrified me.

It’s a simple question, ‘Why didn’t you leave’, but the reasons are so complex to see. We believe the lies and manipulation of abuse, and that ties us to the relationship. It keeps us from breaking free. Once we leave those manipulations carry on playing in the mind, which runs the risk of us returning to the abuser.

Don’t ask, ‘Why didn’t you leave?’ Whether they left, or were discarded, say, ‘I’m here for you.’ Let their voice be heard, without judgement but instead with empathy. Let them feel the warmth of compassion once again.

]]><![CDATA[CBT exercises to support healing.]]>Tue, 28 Apr 2020 12:23:03 GMThttps://www.thepersonalgrowthproject.com/blog/cbt-exercises-to-support-healing

Cognitive behavioural therapy aims to change negative thought processes and beliefs that lead to problematic behaviour.

After an emotionally abusive relationship, there is commonly a lot of negative self-talk and self-thought, as the tactics used to abuse and wear you down, such as gaslighting, manipulation, blaming and criticism, create and intensify the inner voice of worthlessness and a deep-rooted feeling of not being ‘good enough’.

The abuser teaches you not to trust your own voice, your own judgement or your own perception. This creates difficulties in the healing journey, as there is usually a cycle of self-doubt which leads to anxiety; questioning whether it was really abusive, whether you were the problem, which would mean that the abuser was right in all the things they said about you, leading to anxiety, which feeds into the feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt.

These internalised negative messages about self need to be identified and removed from your self-talk, so that the true and glorious you can shine through and you can say with confidence, ‘I am good enough!’; ‘I am worthy of love and happiness!’.

Working with a good and skilled therapist – who has experience in abuse – will always recommended as they are trained to support you on your journey. However, there are therapy-based exercises you can do from home to support yourself. Here are some exercises from a cognitive behavioural therapy perspective to help combat the self-critical voice and support your healing…

Thought Feeling Behaviour Cycle

The cycle here is that a negative thought creates a feeling, and this feeling leads to an unwanted behaviour, and the unwanted behaviour reinforces the negative thought.

So for example, you think to yourself that you are stupid (maybe you have been told this or made to feel this way), which leads to you feeling your opinion is worth less than others, so you shy away from communicating with people, which reinforces that you don’t have anything worth while to say and the thought that you are therefore stupid.

To break this cycle, you can tackle one element, and here its easiest to look at the negative thoughts. What thoughts are leading to the feelings that are holding you back in your healing? Can you identify them? Where do they come from? Were they always there? Whose voice is it saying these negative things to you?

Once you have identified the negative thought you want to work on, you can work on changing the internal message. Try saying a daily mantra to counter the negative thought, so in the case of ‘I am stupid’, wake up each morning and say to yourself, ‘I am not stupid. My voice matters, my opinion is worthy and I have a right to be heard.’

Identifying What Comes First

An episode of anxiety or panic or self-doubt is made up of several factors: the thought, feeling, behaviour and physical response. If you can identify what the first signs are when you are heading towards a spiral, you can try to use tools to calm the storm.

So, for example, if you notice the first thing is racing thoughts, which leads to a fluttery feeling in your chest, then you can work on trying to calm the thoughts. A good tip here would be mindfulness or meditation (there are several apps now that give short daily exercises for mindfulness that can be really helpful!)

Or if you notice that your breathing is a little quicker and then you start overthinking to make sense of the physical sensation, you can try breathing exercises to slow and calm your breathing. These can be as simple as mindfully breathing in and out slowly, and it can help to repeat a simple word or sentence to help calm yourself, such as ‘I am ok’.

Keeping a Thought Log

Keeping a thought log can be a really good way of bringing clarity to what is going on in your mind and what impact it is having on you.

It can be really simple; you can write in a journal at the end of each day, noticing how you were felt about yourself and how you felt in general. So for example, ‘I felt like I was a good friend today and I was feeling happy and positive.’

You can extend this by trying to identify triggers on the days that you aren’t feeling great, as well as trying to identify positive activities on the days that you are feeling good. This will help you to implement more positive activities into your life and in avoiding your triggers.

Tackling the Always Never Thinking

We need to try and tackle the beast of always and never thinking. This is tough after abuse, as you were likely always blamed for their actions or the condition of the relationship and could (allegedly) never get anything right.

Here, you need to practice self-kindness. After an abusive relationship, we can put so much pressure on ourselves to get absolutely everything right and if the smallest thing doesn’t go to plan we can feel heavy shame and beat ourselves up mercilessly. This is because of the relationship dynamic experienced from the abuse; the expectation that you should be able to read their mind and do and say everything exactly how they expect, and the consequences you have endured when you got it wrong.

It can help to write a list of positive affirmations about yourself and your achievements. This is so, when something doesn’t go to plan, you have a visual of all the things that have worked out lately. So, instead of the one thing not working and thinking, ‘I am a failure; I am useless’, try to take a deep breath and look at the list of things that are great about you and what you have achieved this week.

This can help put into perspective that you don’t always fail, it is just one thing didn’t go to plan. And remember, no one gets it right all the time, that is a myth the abuser told you to cater to their entitlement!

Diary of Enjoyable Activities

Similar to the thought log, you could keep a diary specifically to identify what brings you joy. This can be the smallest of things, to bigger activities, but over time you will build a diary of what brings you enjoyment and happiness.

This is a great way to journal what brings positivity into your life so that you can focus on doing more of it, as well as giving you a crutch of support on those darker days, when you can turn to look at your journal to remember that not all days are dark ones, and that you have it in you to find joy and happiness in these activities.

Remember, Sometimes You Just Have to Ride the Wave

Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you do, the anxiety or sadness or trigger will hit you. And that’s ok! There is no shame in feeling like you aren’t coping as well as you were, or spiralling.

Sometimes, you just need to identify that it got to you and it’s going to be ok and you need to sit through it. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t moving forward in your healing. Healing is not linear.

Remind yourself how far you’ve come, and that you are doing an amazing job. Give yourself time and practice being kind and gentle with yourself until you feel yourself coming out on the other side of it. Reach out for support. Then take a deep breath, and be proud of yourself.

]]><![CDATA[what is emotional abuse?]]>Tue, 21 Apr 2020 11:24:38 GMThttps://www.thepersonalgrowthproject.com/blog/what-is-emotional-abuse

Here is some key information about Emotional Abuse

What is Emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is the act of systematically breaking down someone's self-esteem, sense of self and sense of reality through a variety of tactics, with the intent to exert control over the victim and relationship.

Emotional abuse tactics include but are not limited to:
•Name-calling
•Sudden rages
•Swearing
•Yelling
•Lying
•Blaming
•Belittling
•Silent treatment (stone-walling)
•With-holding affection
•Threats
•Intimidation
•Isolation
•Humiliation
•Denial of abuse (gaslighting)

All tactics do not need to be present for the relationship to be emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse may also include elements of verbal, financial, sexual, physical or psychological abuse, such as threats of physical violence or sexually demeaning behaviour.

Emotional abuse is present in all abusive relationships

Emotional abuse is present in ALL abusive relationships. Someone wouldn’t stay in a physically abusive relationship, for example, without the effects of emotional and psychological abuse clouding their judgement and stripping their self-esteem to the bare minimum.

Financial and emotional abuse are also significantly intertwined. Financial abuse is commonly used within emotionally abusive tactics. The abuser will restrict the financial freedom of the victim by hiding or cutting up debit cards, limiting allowances, or even the abuser spends recklessly whilst denying the victim the right to spend any money. The abuser may also build up personal savings whilst denying the victim the right to any money other than for essentials.

Financial abuse creates a environment whereby the victim is trapped in the relationship. These restrictions are implemented through emotionally abusive tactics, such as cutting up the debit cards in a sudden rage of anger, or belittling the victim, saying they can’t handle the responsibility of managing the finances.

Emotional abuse can also be the only form of abuse within the relationship. Nonetheless, the effects of emotional abuse alone should not be minimised, as they can have a long-lasting and devastating impact on a victim's mental and emotional well-being, even leaving them feeling suicidal and often resulting in trauma.

The cycle of abuse

An abuser does not abuse all the time. It runs on a cycle. This is one of the points that feed into the confusion the victim feels about the relationship. The good times are often as extreme as the bad times, and this huge dichotomy in behaviour creates turmoil within the victim, whereby they cannot make sense of the love and abuse they feel. This cycle is a major causation of the trauma bonding that happens in abusive relationships.

The cycle of abuse also makes the victim grateful for any caring behaviour. Grateful just that the abuser isn’t being cruel or berating them that day, the victim will settle for crumbs of affection in the relationship. This will lower the self-worth of the victim, as the message is they are only worthy of these crumbs. Before long the abuse starts to build again, through no fault of the victim, but rather the goal and need of the abuser to exert dominance and control.

The phases of the cycle are:

Calm phase – This is where there is no abuse present and everything seems calm.

Tension phase – This is where the abuser is starting to become agitated and the victim can sense tension building. There is a sense of walking on eggshells. Behaviours such as criticisms, belittling, lying, berating, mocking, will start to show.

Abuse phase – There is an explosion of abuse. A sudden rage, yelling, shouting, threats, silent treatment. The victim will experience fight / flight / freeze during this episode.

Come down phase – I like to call this the ‘come down’ phase. The abuser will deny, minimise, trivialise, blame, gaslight, perhaps apologise in some form, for the abusive episode. The victim is in a state of confusion and will self-blame because of the tactics used by the abuser to avoid accountability. The cycle then re-enters the calm phase.

Self-care after abuse

There are some key aspects to self-care after abuse. Firstly, an element of abuse is isolation, so it is likely the victim will have been isolated from meaningful connections. There is also the chance that friendships, or even relationships with family members will have been damaged by the abuser’s ability to be able to get people on their side, so the victim may not feel they have a support network.

Survivors have spoken of how connecting with others who have experienced abuse can be invaluable, as this provides a sounding board to validate their own experiences. This can be done through local charities, or there are many online communities, such as The Personal Growth Project’s facebook and Instagram pages.

Many find growth and clarity through therapy. It is important to find a therapist you feel you have a connection with, and someone that understands emotional abuse and the abusive dynamic, otherwise the process can be retraumatising.

But a good therapist can be excellent for healing. There are many models of therapy; CBT, person-centred, psychodynamic, for example, as well as EMDR for trauma related therapy, so it may be good to do a little research on what would be a good fit. Or if that all feels too much, a good point of call would be the local abuse charity, who may provide counselling, or be able to suggest therapists with appropriate training.

In terms of the small steps that the individual can take, it is important to try and distance yourself from the negative internal messages that would have been instilled and provoked by the abuse. There is a need to take small steps in building self-worth and confidence.

A great way to do this is to start a new hobby, as learning a new skill gives a sense of achievement and pride. It can also be satisfying to ‘grow’ as a person after abuse, and to have an aspect of self that isn’t known to the abuser. Or if this is too difficult, setting goals like reading a new book or going for regular walks is another great way to feel achievement.

Another part of self-care is to give yourself ‘a little extra’… because you are worth it! So taking a long bath, relaxing in the garden with a good book, buying yourself something new. These small actions may create a lot of guilt at first but they will work to counter balance the internal messages of not being worthy, and begin to create a sense that your needs are also important.

Practicing mindfulness or breathing exercises to combat anxiety. Daily mindfulness can help to reduce the build up of anxiety. If you feel anxiety rising, then practicing breathing exercises can help to reduce the anxious episode.

One such would be to place your hand on your diaphragm, and to breathe slowly in and then slowly out, making sure your hand is rising and falling with each breath. A simple mantra can be spoken to help combat racing thoughts, such as ‘I am ok’, or ‘I am good enough’, or even just ‘ommm’. This helps to calm the anxiety as the physiological signals being sent to the brain are that everything is ok, as we breathe slowly when we are calm and there is no need to be anxious.

]]><![CDATA[The Monster at Mealtime.]]>Mon, 13 Apr 2020 12:35:36 GMThttps://www.thepersonalgrowthproject.com/blog/the-monster-at-mealtime

Mealtimes can be a huge point of contention in an abusive relationship.

Mealtime is a time of day where there is hope for togetherness and harmony. An abuser does not want this; they want you to feel hopeless, and they want to have control - of you - and of every situation. The abuser can use mealtime as a weapon to exert power and instil fear, and this abuse tactic is relentless in its daily occurrence – every dinner, every breakfast, every lunch.

The victim often ends up caught in a cycle of trying to please the abuser with how they want mealtimes to be, but the goalposts always change and nothing will be good enough. This creates feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, despair, confusion. And high levels of anxiety.

Here are just some of the ways an abuser turns mealtimes into a nightmare.

High expectations of children’s table manners

The abuser will expect a toddler to have the table manners of a twelve year old, or a twelve year old to have the manners of a young adult. If a toddler is at the table, they are expected to sit still, hands on the table at all times, to ask politely for the sauce to be passed or their drink to be refilled.

If these requirements aren’t met, the abuser may or may not explode and berate the child and berate the victim for not teaching the child better, but there will be an air of tension because the victim will know that the abuser may explode at any moment.

The child will then also begin to become anxious at mealtimes, not understanding what they are doing wrong but knowing that they can’t seem to behave correctly. This kind of negativity at mealtime is a very unhealthy connection to make, as it potentially becomes a negative connection with food.

Children are expected to eat what, when, and how much they are told

The abuser will not tolerate a child ‘wasting’ food. If they feel that a child has been ungrateful or not eaten enough, it is not beyond an abusive person to force a child to continue eating or force a child to drink more than they need to, to the point of being sick.

Similarly, if a child asks to try something new but decides they don’t like it, the abuser may use it as an opportunity to exert control and insist the child eat the whole of it, causing destress to the child and also the parent victim, as they know if they intervene the abuse will probably escalate.

You have to guess what time they will be home

The abuser expects to have a warm meal after work, but the time they come home varies significantly and they don’t inform you what time they will be getting in at the end of each day.

So you’re left trying to guess each day what time they will be home, and prepare the meal so that it’s warm. It’s a situation where the victim is set up to fail. On the days where they don’t get the timing right, the abuser will show their disappointment - that you can’t get a simple thing right like making a meal on time.

This is another crushing blow to the victim, who may have spent hours worrying and trying to figure out what time they will be home, only to have it all dismissed as a failure.

A new recipe every day

An abuser will expect ‘decent food’, but their definition of decent may change and be hard to keep up with. No meat… only white meat… fresh food… why have you put them on a diet?!...

The victim will be forever trying to make meals to the specifications of the abuser and not ever managing to quite get it right. More and more of your day with revolve around trying to plan meals, think of new meals, find recipes, buy ingredients, frantically trying to cook a meal that is deemed satisfactory.

It seems crazy, but the abuser has made you believe that this is your duty and the minimum of what can be expected of you as a partner, so you also feel like a failure and worthless every time you get it wrong – which the abuser will make sure is often.

They cook meals for you… and sabotage it

The abuser doesn’t want to give you any ammunition for saying they are less than perfect. So they will ‘fake’ cook a nice meal from time to time. This is so that you have no right to complain that they aren’t doing their fair share.

What they will do however, is purposefully sabotage the meal so that it tastes awful – put in a full head of garlic for example. When you are unable to eat the inedible meal, they will rage at you in offence and tell you never to expect them to cook again because you are so ungrateful.

They may also force you or the children to eat the food as punishment; firstly for expecting them to cook, and secondly for not appreciating the meal. This whole episode is enough to make the victim try to appease the abuser by continuing to cook for them and try to meet their ever-changing expectations around food without bringing it up again.

Although less common, some abusers may do the exact opposite of this - whereby they believe they are a masterchef in the kitchen and will not allow you to cook anything. Any time you attempt to cook they will put you down with condescending comments or insults about your abilities, or your naivety about cooking, to the point that you eventually give up. They will then criticise you for not doing your fair share of the cooking.

Jibes to isolate you from the family

Mealtime is supposed to be a time of togetherness and family bonding. Yet, the abuser may use this time to further isolate you from the family and make you feel isolated from the children.

The abuser will make jokes at your expense and bring children unwittingly into the jibes so that they are laughing – at you – along with the abuser. This is to cause you pain and make you feel worthless and isolated within the family unit - at a time when you should be feeling bonded and connected. It is deeply wounding.

They won’t sit to eat with you

If you have made a point of preparing a meal so that you can sit down together to eat, the abuser will make a point of not eating it with you.

Whether it be that they find a reason to be offended by something you’ve done, so that they can justify eating the meal in the kitchen without you, or whether it be they eat their food whilst you are still dishing up yours, only to tell you how sensitive and needy you are if you expect them to sit and let their food go cold.

They will not allow you the pleasure of eating together if they see that’s what you crave. Again, the effect of this is to make the victim feel insignificant and cripple their self-worth.

Explosions at dinner time

The abuser may choose any time to fly into an explosive rage, and mealtime is as good as any for impact. The possibilities of knocking plates, spilling drinks, flying food and creating mess for you to clean up are there for maximum impact.

Some abusers don’t even need to go there, the cutting words, insults, threats, swearing, shouting and looks of anger are enough to turn a potentially peaceful mealtime into a moment of sheer panic about how the next minutes, hours and days will now unfold. The victim is left in a state of shock and confusion, trying to understand ‘what they did wrong’ so that they can try to avoid doing it again.

Judging your eating habits

The abuser will makes constant little criticisms about your eating habits, ‘do you really think you should eat another one?’, ‘Didn’t you say you were on a diet?’, ‘Wouldn’t you like to eat fresh food sometimes?’, ‘is that your second glass of wine?’

The abuser will tell you that you’re too sensitive or can’t take a joke if you tell them it’s upsetting you. The result is the victim begins to become self-conscious about their eating habits and question their choices around food.

This can be detrimental to mental health – potentially either aggravating or instigating the development of an eating disorder. The victim will become very nervous and anxious every time it comes to eating a meal or having a snack, because they can’t seem to ever get it right.

It’s important to remember that an abuser may not do all of these tactics around mealtime – or they may not do any tactics at mealtime – however, it does not lessen the abuse experienced. Each abusive relationship is different, but there are commonalities that can be shared amongst survivors to bring and maintain clarity of experiences.

]]><![CDATA[When I tell you I’m OK.]]>Tue, 03 Jul 2018 10:12:39 GMThttps://www.thepersonalgrowthproject.com/blog/when-i-tell-you-im-ok

When you ask me how I am, I'll tell you I'm ok, but if I were to tell you more, I'd say...

My head is spinning because he has threatened me with court again. I didn't sleep well last night. I fell asleep with my mind still racing and as soon as I was semi-conscious the thoughts were racing through again. My head is aching.

Trying to figure out how I can respond to feel the least fall out. Don't want to be a push over, but I don't want to make it harder for myself. Don't want to be told that it's all my fault again.

I'm already doing everything that was agreed and I’ve even come in his direction. But he keeps asking for more and more and more. He doesn’t see it as our agreement but rather what is rightfully his to force upon me. And I know that when I stand my ground he will spin his story and make me out to be the problematic one. The reason why we can't get along.

I'll spend the day totally absorb in it; totally absent from my life going on around me. I don't want it to be that way but fight it as I may he still has a power over my mind. He still impacts my life. Even though I’ve built tall walls there are times when I still come crashing down.

It's fear, as well. He tells me I'm pathetic. I'm obstructive. I'm difficult. But it is he that does not respect that I have a life beyond satisfying his every request. And the fear is that he will convince others I am too (he’s good at that), and they will not see he is a bully. They never do.

I plucked up the courage to call the police and ask them to help me: to end the harassment. They told me that I need an injunction and before then they cannot assist. But I’ve been told that he’s not 'obvious' enough. No direct threats, then it’s too vague for harassment. I’m drowning and there’s no end in sight.

But they acknowledge in the shadows that it is abusive. The same old advice is given: be non-emotive. And yes, while I show no emotions to him, on the inside they are like an avalanche pouring from my heart. My head feels swollen trying to apply logic and reason to his behaviour, when there is none. And I cannot contain the pain and the numbness that I feel all at once.

It may not seem like much to you, but it's built up over time and I’ve been knocked down on this long and arduous ride. And it's the chip chip chipping at my mind, that I feel like I may suffocate. But nowhere to go for help. No way to change his behaviour. The cycle will continue, so I guess I will just mend myself, until the next time comes around.

That's what I might say to you if I were to tell you more, but when you ask me how I am, I'll just tell you, I'm ok.

What more is there to say?

]]><![CDATA[If he hit me, I would leave him. A Journey of Emotional Abuse.]]>Sat, 02 Jun 2018 00:00:00 GMThttps://www.thepersonalgrowthproject.com/blog/if-he-hit-me-i-would-leave-him-a-journey-of-emotional-abuse

I’m independent, feeling free. I met someone who’s incredible. He’s older, he’s smart, and he treats me like a lady. He tells me that I’m beautiful, wise; he loves my outlook on life. I know I don’t have to think it but, hypothetically, if he hit me, I would leave him.

He treats me so much better than I’ve ever been treated before. He really notices me, he compliments me, he’s texting me constantly. He’s mature, he’s smarter, and he would never hurt me. He never would, but of course, if he hit me, I would leave him.

We connect on a level that’s hard to describe. He really gets me, he wants the same things in life. For the first time I feel completely understood. I’m feeling full of hope and excitement, he says he is too! He feels the same way as I do! It couldn’t possibly happen, not in a million years, but if a man hit me, I would leave him.

He says he loves me! That’s a bit quick. Wants to move in together? We’ve only been dating one month. But now, I’ve offended him, what am I doing? I may never find another soul mate like him. Ok, I’ll do it, I love you too. He won’t hit me, but if he did, I would leave him.

Living together, he seems a bit distant, I wonder what’s wrong. I try to make him feel better, but nothing’s working. I try all the things he usually likes; make the house spotless, cook a nice meal, try and talk to him and show him I care. But he won’t open up; maybe I’ve done something, but what? We were so good before, I’ll try and make this work, but of course, if he hit me, I’d leave him.

Things have changed, when did that happen? He gets so angry, his eyes seem possessed. Shouting and raging like I’ve never seen before. And then he’s so cold, not just distant, but silent. Sometimes for days he will ignore my existence. I beg him to forgive me, but I’m not sure what for. Suddenly things are ok again, I see the old him. If I just stop messing up he will stop getting mad. But, if he hits me, I will leave him.

It’s so sweet how I’m so naive, he says. I guess it’s true, he’s smarter than me. I want to meet up with friends but he tells me he’s hurt. Don’t I ever think about how it makes him feel, he says. He has no friends nearby but I want to meet up with mine, he says. I guess it’s true, I’m selfish too. I say sorry and stay at home watching TV in silence with him. Still, if he hits me, I think I will leave him.

We’re moving. He will feel less stressed living near his family again. I ask if it’s ok to meet up with friends before we leave. Are you sure that’s a good idea, he says. He points out how I abandoned my friends when we started dating and my friends are probably mad. He’s right! I’ve been a terrible friend! I won’t text them. I’m so lucky he loves me with all of my flaws. If he hit me, I guess I would leave him.

We’ve moved away now. I feel so alone. He works long hours. I feel less tense when he’s not home but I miss him terribly and I’m waiting on him. I hear the key in the lock. I’m excited but my anxiety rises because I don’t know what mood he will be in. He seems ok, I try to cuddle on the sofa, but he tuts and says he’s tired and I’m needy. I feel hollow and I long for his love. If he hit me, I guess I might leave him.

His friends are over. I like it when his friends are here because he is more affectionate towards me. He tells them he’s proud of me. They say how we are such a great couple, when will we get married? I see that look in his eye and when his friends leave, WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT? I panic, maybe he will leave me this time, and I feel utter despair. If he hit me, I’m not sure I’d leave him.

We plan a daytrip, we don’t have them often. I try to get everything right from the start so that things go smoothly. He’s annoyed because I take too long to get out of the house, but I think it’s ok. But there’s traffic and I begin to get anxious. He starts to drive really close to the cars, surely he knows I hate that, but I dare not say anything. He SHOUTS and SWEARS and my heart sinks, I’m in trouble now. Just try to be invisible, not to make it worse. If he hit me, I don’t know if I’d leave him.

It’s been like this a while now. He says that I’m too sensitive. If I don’t like him how he is, he says I can leave, I know where the door is. He says he wouldn’t try and stop me. But I’ve got nowhere to go, and I’m worth nothing. He is nice to me sometimes, maybe often, it all seems a blur. I can’t make sense of it anymore. Maybe I am too sensitive, it’s probably me. If he hit me, I don’t think I’d leave him.

Something big has happened, the rages seem to get bigger. He started throwing things because I make him so angry. He says he will call the police if I touch his things, or he will hurt me if I don’t listen. He’s been telling lies, I see that now. Lies about money, his life and me. I feel numb. I feel like I’m broken. If he hit me, the pain would at least make sense, but he hasn’t and that’s not the reason I’m leaving.

I left him. I feel stripped down, beaten, exhausted, lost, but I escaped and for that I feel free. But my mind remains imprisoned, I have suffered trauma, and it’s a long journey to recovery. Was it abuse? I tell them it was. Well, what did he do? they ask. I explain, but what am I really explaining, it doesn’t sound like much when my pain is so engulfing. Well, they say, it doesn’t sound great, but at least he didn’t hit you.

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