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The abuser in the car.

5/11/2020

15 Comments

 
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In an abusive relationship, abusive behaviour is used in the car to create fear and anxiety… and to gain power and control. 

Abuse can be intensified in the car given the confined space, inability to escape and the added element of controlling the vehicle and risk to safety if the abuser is driving.

To give insight into the experience of abuse and driving, here are some of the common experiences of how abuse is used in the car.

The Explosive Rage

You can be out with the abusive person and everything can seem fine.  You head back to the car to go home, and then as soon as the car door shuts WHAM the intensity of the verbal onslaught hits you like a ton of bricks. Swearing, yelling, name-calling. The shock of it seemingly coming out of nowhere intensifies the force at which you are being verbally abused.

You scramble in your mind to make sense of what has caused this verbal attack, tracing back over the last hour or so trying to pin point what happened whilst you were out together that aggravated them to the point of rage. They may claim it was the way you said something to them in front of a passer-by, or you belittled them in front of a friend.

The reality is their sense of entitlement and their need for control over the relationship (thereby you) and the situation.  Any perceived slight- even having enjoyed yourself too much can be a perceived threat to the balance of the relationship – forms a situation where they need to re-establish their position of authority.

Reckless Driving

The abusive person will intentionally drive recklessly to maintain a position of dominance. This can be for several reasons.  It may be something happened before the journey began – maybe you took too long to get ready or forgot something, or they couldn’t find their glasses or their friends changed the meeting time – which has sparked a perceived loss of control and the blame is placed on you. The abusive person will then drive way too fast or too close to the car in front. This will also be your fault, because if you hadn’t ‘made them late’ they wouldn’t have to drive that way.

They may drive recklessly because you’ve specifically asked them not to in the past.  A bit like a stroppy child, if you’ve ever pointed out that you don’t like it when they drive a certain way, they will take this as you attempting to control them, and they will make a point of driving exactly like how you’ve asked them not to. 

This can cause a huge amount of anxiety because you are caught between saying something, which will end up with a stubborn and persistent show from them driving even more recklessly, or you say nothing, and you sit with your anxiety and genuine fear for your safety in silence.


An abusive person may also drive more irresponsibly when the children are in the car. As though, they know your anxiety will be higher if the children are also at risk and therefore their statement of showing you who’s boss with their reckless driving will be even more effective.

Standard Road Rage

You’ve managed to get out of the house and everything is running smoothly, only for the abuser to get aggravated by someone else’s driving.  It’s your standard road rage – many people get some form of road rage – but the impact in an abusive relationship is that all that pent-up rage that was instigated by someone else’s driving will now be refocused on you.

You feel yourself get more and more tense in the passenger seat as the abusive person’s anger builds… that feeling of trying to make yourself invisible so that you a) don’t make it worse and b) try to avoid coming under fire because you are now acutely aware of how fragile the situation is and that the abusive person may very easily go into a full on meltdown directed at you if you make one wrong move.  It’s exhausting and hugely disappointing when you feel you’ve managed to avoid upsetting them, only for an external factor to upset the very fragile dynamic.


Constant Criticism When You’re Driving

The abusive person may also cause a huge amount of anxiety by how they behave towards you whilst you’re driving.  They constantly remark and criticise the smallest of details about you’re driving. They breathe down you’re neck about driving faster, faster, faster, pressuring you to be the one to drive recklessly. Or they choose when you’re driving to be the time to start abusing you about some other incident and start demanding an explanation. They know your triggers and start to push them whilst you’re behind the wheel.

This is immensely difficult to cope with. Your brain goes into overdrive. You are trying to keep your attention on the road, but are also being hit by a rush of anxiety because you feel an abusive episode is building up and your body and mind are going into survival mode, trying to quash the impending threat of the abusive behaviour.  This obviously has an impact on your driving, which creates further criticism, further tension, and a vicious loop ensues.

Driving to Cause Discomfort

An abusive person may intentionally ‘ignore’ medical issues whilst driving. Such as, if you have back issues, they will somehow drive over every pothole and over speedbumps without slowing the car. Or if you have travel sickness or need a rest break, they won’t be able to pull over for the entire journey. 

Or if you are pregnant, you will be in genuine fear of your waters breaking in the car because they’ve made it very clear to you that you will be sorry if you make ‘a mess’ in the car. If you raise the issues whilst they are driving, they will probably call you crazy and tell you it’s all in your head and feign offence.


Reckless Acts of Endangerment

There are examples of abusive behaviour whilst driving which are just a complete disregard for safety and welfare, an intentional endangerment of safety. One such example is a couple who were holidaying in an old campervan. When they stopped at a petrol station, the abusive husband perceived the wife had slighted him.  She got in the car, they had an argument, he then closed her passenger door, got into the driver’s seat and drove off. The husband then sped into a roundabout at full speed and his wife’s door flung open. She would have gone flying out of the vehicle if she hadn’t had her seatbelt on.

Of course, most people would not believe that the husband intentionally didn’t close the door properly and sped into the roundabout…  Another example is speeding up then undoing your seatbelt and slamming on the brakes.  There are also examples of intentionally swerving off the road. And drink driving.

This highlights the dangers of when the abusive person sees red when they have control of the car. In these moments, the top priority is their position of authority over you and the situation, and if that means physical endangerment then so be it.

The crux of abuse whilst driving is that nearly always, if you say anything, the driving usually gets even more dangerous. You sit with the extreme and genuine anxiety for your physical safety, as well as the intense anxiety of not having a voice and trying not to do a single thing that will provoke the situation and increase the risk to safety.

I can already hear people saying that the simple solution would be not to get in the car with an abusive person like this, but most of the time that’s not how an abusive relationship works. Most of the time, you don’t have a choice.
15 Comments
Yara
7/12/2020 04:44:35

You have said it all everything that i cant explain i cant explain myslef any more

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Z
7/19/2020 21:16:33

My partner used to say things in public he knew I didn't want to share with others (personal stuff or call me names that i didn't like cuse it hurt me) or do things he knew I find it was derogatory towards others, said homofobic comments as jokes. Then when we get in the car i tried to explain to him how he made me feel with his behavior and immediately he stated saying I was too uptight and proceeded to get really upset about it, driving like a maniac. I eventually stopped telling him how I felt and accepted that he was right, "I was too uptight." It was like that for 5 years. It's been a year since we broke up and untill now I didn't realize it was abuse.

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Beth
9/27/2020 19:42:01

When I saw the title of this post, and I started reading.......my chest got tight, the muscles in my jaw were clenched, I couldn't breathe. I never realized that this is just another weapon the narc uses....and He used this on me all. The. Time. He'd be going to the store and make me go with him. No, not "physically " make me, but he "made" me go. I was never allowed to take my phone. I didn't need yo know where we were going. It was terrifying at times.

I'm away from Him and trying to heal. You help me so much. Thank you

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Sarah
10/21/2021 19:17:01

I’ve been with my husband since I first started driving, when I was 16, but he didn’t start criticizing my driving until a few years later when we lived together. He brings up all of my last mistakes, that even though the accidents I’ve been in weren’t my fault, it was my fault for putting myself in a position to get into an accident. The first accident I was ever in was before I ever had a cell phone and it was on a rural road. My car was really banged up but I was on my way to meet him so I left the scene, driving a car that was nearly totaled, because I was afraid he would get mad at me for making him worry. Even now, 18 years later, it’s “You’re driving too fast”, “You’re driving too slow”, “Why are you in the left lane?”, “Wow you’re really just not good at driving”. He will make me pull over so he can drive, even if that means pulling off the highway. And I never get compliments, never.

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G
4/17/2023 23:54:50

I don't know how to feel. I get so scared sometimes being in the car with him. We're currently together and he's a car guy but he loves driving recklessly. Today he purposely sped up behind a car and slammed the breaks right behind them. He doesn't seem to value my life when Im in the car with him. Is this how it starts? He's telling me I'm crazy for "criticizing" his driving because I don't have my license yet. He always threatens me that if I don't like it, I should drive. Why are my only choices feeling like I'm going to lose my life in a car accident with him or getting my license even though I'm not mentally at the position to be able to. I don't know. I'm still shaking. I'm almost two hours away from my friends and family today

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C
6/21/2023 20:22:41

I don't know what to tell you other than I'm sorry that he treats you like that, and you deserve better.

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C
6/21/2023 20:20:30

My dad was abusive to me and he did some of this, I think this site is about DV (I just found a link to this page on a blog so I'm not familiar with the site). I would beg him to keep his eyes on the road and slow down (in the way an 7 year old would because that's how old I was when it started) and he would just get angrier. And of course there was no where to go when he would push my head against the passenger side window so the physical abuse was literally inescapable whereas at least in a house you could cower or stumble away (I don't consciously remember doing these things but I would suspect it would be a child's instinct).

I'm glad this is being talked about. I hate it when I'm a passenger and people drive aggressively to this day with me in the passenger seat, it's partially triggering and partially just common sense lol.

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Carol K. S.
12/17/2023 04:16:05

My God its like you wrote it about me and my boyfriend of almost 20 years. He is a psycho behind the wheel. I have walked 7 miles home. I have switched seats in torental rain fall during a hurricane. He has thrown blocks at people, rear-ended a guy on purpose, ran a lady off the road with a trailer. He is out of control and I am done after tonight. I can never ever ride with him again. My God he said he wanted to drive me into a wall. When or what is enough when you love Someone and have such history but the driving is a deal breaker?? I'm sad. I have always just dealt and usually I am trying to be quiet and invisible. NOT tonight. I.was screaming. I.reached the same psycho level because he scared me. Wow DMH how did we get here.? Did I mention every single fing thing is my fault.

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Clara
1/1/2024 15:53:33

What you do is leave him. He is going to kill someone someday, and it’s going to be you if you’re there.

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Sophia
5/26/2024 04:08:59

Reading this article surprised me, I didn't know that anyone else experienced this, or knew about this. My husband is horrible on the road, and at home. But today, he wanted me to go to an all day event that was 3 hrs away - and I was fearful leading upto it. Fearful because he yells at me if I'm late, and gets extra aggressive in driving if I tell him to be more safe. Thankfully, he became upset with me this morning right before leaving, and he decided to go by himself. But now he's back and is giving me the silent treatment, extra hard. I've been in a group for DV, where we talk about what it means and how it shows up in a relationship, but I'm still in denial somehow, or second guessing myself.. it's tough to be in a relationship with a narcissist. I do intend to move on one day. I am looking for my way out. It's sad to read the comments of those who have experienced what the article covers. My heart goes out to everyone. Be safe <3 Take care

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Annette
6/10/2024 09:22:39

6 years after moving out this still affects me. Thank you for so many validating stories. It took me 10 years to leave and will likely take m e10 years to find some peace. But this is a game changer. Thank you

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Can't sleep still shook up
10/17/2024 06:53:38

He drives into oncoming traffic that would crash into me if he didn't get passed them in the nick of time or if they didn't slow down. I cry out no no no no please please please don't. He always says its fine as he does it anyway.

We have been rear ended at full speed twice while i was a passenger in his car. One of them he saw coming but didn't move. I had to retrain myself to walk again my back neck and life were so affected. The second accident i knew was coming and begged him for us not to go on the trip. It still happened. Two car accidents in two years that he says we're not his fault. The second one he cut the guy off so we were vrear ended again after i had just spent av year trying to heal from the first one.
Meanwhile he would drive over the potholes , speedbumps off the road out of the lane and into oncoming traffic instead of waiting.
He has chosen to take alternate routes thru dirt road cliffs at high altitudes hidden away from people that would see to help if we fell and drive 30 miles over the speed limit refusing to slow down because he was irritated and insisted his speeding was my imagination.
When i called a friend to let her know where i was he told me i was just pretending to talk to someone.
I was isolated from being hurt from being a passenger in his car but i did still have one friend
Tonight when he drove into oncoming traffic barely missing getting crashed into on myside of the vehicle he said he was sorry and he held my hand and made sad faces hanging his head low. I asked him if he was helping mad about anything, he denied it. I asked him if i did something wrong he denied it. I asked him why he looked so sad ( my chest was hurting from the scare but i was more concerned about him because that is how it has to be for me to get home safely i sense) he kept his sad long face and i said "are you sad because you wanted to kill me" and his face got mischevious and he smiled and said yes.

He watched a tv show before he went to bed about lovers who committed suicide together and said that the characters said it was romantic. He said it was beautiful and now hes snoring peacefully and I feel too freaked out to sleep.

I finally got some semblance of a social life back after years of it becoming deteriorated from public humiliation by him repeatedly, and at five am with all the windows open he yells out for all the neigbors to hear something disgisting that he falsley claimed about me for everyone to hear and be disgusted by. This was after i finally started becoming more friendly with our neigbors because it felt like this were getting better for a long while.

Im losing weight from.a free years trial of ozempic, i think it's bringing out this aggro competitive energy in him again.

And things are so good in so many other ways, we have what people dream to have. We share many romantic activiities together and are incredibly sweet. But sometimes he is aggro. I hurt right now about it and feel discombobulated and he's fine and sleeping like a baby.
I feel almost like im making it all up because its so surreal.

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CoilBea
12/2/2024 20:14:03

While I am aware of how abusive my situations have been, i kind of forgot about the car stuff and reading this sent me down a memory lane of the times i've gotten yelled at in a car, blamed for wrecks, and kicked out to walk home. The road rage. I get so nervous now as a passenger when any one even gets slightly annoyed at something while driving. I've gotten to a point where I stay quiet out of fear and wanting to keep us safe, but sometimes i couldnt help some arguments that also maybe even started out of the car.

It's a common theme for me to go silent to save both myself and the abusers ive been around even when i have a right to be angry. It's so scary getting yelled at by the person driving. It's so scary when theyre explosive while driving. I never felt like it was necessary, and trying to de-esculate always made it worse.

I struggle with understanding whats normal frustration behind a wheel. It all scares me. I dont want to be unreasonable and get scared when someone is frustrated over something appropriate but it all sends me into fear. I cant totally explain it properly just how bad the car aspect of these situations were.

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Black Gay Dating The Woodlands link
5/15/2025 16:14:08

This is an important topic to raise awareness about.

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Geena
5/29/2025 05:39:27

My partner & father of our 3 year old son uses the vehicle to control & dominate the relationship & me. When we first started dating he wouldn't wear a seat belt & would speed. Early on I exited the vehicle at a red light and got myself home because I had better boundaries back then. I lost my vehicle 6 months after our baby was born because it broke down and all of my resources were going to my partner who cannot keep a job longer than 5 or 6 months. He has received multiple speeding tickets in the last 4 years. The first couple He told Me about & now he just hides them from me. He has this ticket lawyer go to court for him which has costed a few thousand in fees and fines now. His insurance is nearly impossible to pay but of course his enabling doting mother rescues him by taking care of it for him so he rarely learns.
He scared me terribly this year by being so high on pot and rolling a cigar to get even more high while driving on the freeway recklessly. I begged him to pull over and allow Me to drive us home but he used that anxiety to abuse the situation more.
He doesn't allow me to drive the car anywhere. He has to be the one to take me where I need to go. Despite me having a clean driving record and 14 years of driving experience... and he has much less..nope! He knows what's best. He only let's me take it on the rare occasion when it's inconvenient for him & I'll be getting something he needs at the store.
He will agree to drive me to the grocery store for necessities and wait in the parking lot with an intimidating attitude. He doesn't give me a definitive time I should be done shopping so if it takes me 30-40 minutes he will be fuming when I get back. If I don't get the silent treatment on the way back I'll get the most hateful lecture. I started taking the bus to get around with the baby pretty early on because even though I know I'm being abused & controlled I hold onto whatever shreds of independence I have left. He hates when I leave the house or speak to anyone - he even hates me talking to him most days too so I live regardless until I've figured out how to get out of this. I'm scared or post separation abuse and I already have so few resources or supportive people around me I'm just scared & don't see the path forward yet. He told me he'd take me to the store today but then just decided he changed his mind at 8pm. He said, "I guess you'll have to walk." But he knows the bus stop is a 30 minute walk away and the store is an hour walk away. Taking an Uber or having groceries delivered is an option but he would be furious if I used the bank account without permission first. And he'd say no if I asked. So this is my life. I'm so over this and feel so bad for our son. I don't deserve to be held captive like this which is what it feels like. Living in his double binds of punishment. If I don't have an adequate breakfast for him tomorrow morning then im a terrible woman who doesn't care. But I can't get to a grocery store safely tonight or without a huge hassle. If I dud decide to go with getting groceries with a huge hassle (walking to the bus and carrying heavy bags home alone at 11PM) then he'd be angry at me for leaving. Either way I can't win or do right. So when he reprimands me daily for not listening to him he's not wrong.
I also saw someone's note about them not telling you where you'll be going & I know that too well. Anxiety central. So I choose to rarely go with him places unless necessary which has shrunk my world down so so small.
It's all an illusion though. I have my son who lights up my world and it's my Job to reflect that light and warmth back to him so I try hard every day for him because he deserves it. He deserves more than what he's seeing between his dad and i. I have my imagination & creativity as well which means I can't lose hope. Nothing is ever hopeless.

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