Post-Separation abuse

It is important to recognise that after the relationship has ended there are ways in which the abuse may continue. For many, it is not that they are stuck in the past or can’t move on from the abuse, it is that the abuse is still happening in the present, it’s just taken on a different look.

But it still follows the same rules. It is often covert, so it is hard to highlight and gain support. It is often just within the borders of acceptability – in terms of behaviourally, legally and what is socially expected – but because it is relentless the survivor has a constant undercurrent of abuse to cope with which is difficult for others to detect. It is cyclical, so follows the same pattern of building tension, abusive incident, manipulation and period of calm, but the behaviours and abusive incident are not the same as if you were still in the relationship and living under the same roof.
 
It is important for survivors themselves to recognise that they are not crazy or not failing to cope with standard post separation behaviour – that one of the reasons why it feels so intense and provokes the same responses as when you were in the relationship is because it is still abuse. Although recognising this in itself doesn’t change the situation, it can help alleviate feelings of guilt, shame or worthlessness to acknowledge that the behaviour being dealt with is still abusive, as well as feeling less isolated to know you are not alone in these experiences.
 
Here are some types of post-separation abuse which may be experienced:
 
Financial Abuse

1. Neglecting to pay child maintenance or financial responsibilities towards shared bills and costs. They may abruptly cancel all payments they were responsible for and redirect companies to the victim to pay the costs. This may cause distress and pressure and create a feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to cope without the abusive person. The abusive person may do this as they feel it is not their duty to ‘provide’ for the victim or the children if they are no longer together, ignoring their responsibilities go beyond the end of the relationship. There may be an attitude that if they are not in control of your life, then they are not going to fund it.
   
2. Creating debt. This may be through running up debt on shared credit cards, or multiple court applications to impose unaffordable legal costs. The abusive does not want to see the victim succeed post-separation as this would be the final loss of control, and an easy target for this is to try and cripple them financially.
   
3. Blocking access to bank accounts. This again is with the intention of creating financial discord and distress.
4. Sabotaging business affairs. The abusive person attempts to sabotage the stability of the victim’s income. This may be through contacting your manager and making allegations that jeopardise your job, or if self-employed it may include attempts to destroy the business.
5. Allegations of tax fraud or benefit fraud. The abusive person will make false allegations of fraud to cause significant distress and turmoil in the victim’s life, whereby not only are the dealing with the abusive behaviour and separation, but also investigations of fraud. It won’t lead to anything when there is no fraud, but it’s not about that, it’s about putting the victim through the stress of being investigated and showing the, that the abusive person still has control over what happens in their life.

 
Weaponising Children

1. Counter Parenting. The abusive person will intentionally parent in a way that goes against the rules and boundaries established in your home. This is like the gentle but continuous finger prod in your side. Extremely low level but persistently dismissing and intentionally going against the parenting of the healthy parent. This is a continuation of the message that your voice is insignificant and you don’t deserve respect.
2. Neglectful parenting. The abusive person will intentionally parent in a neglectful way. This will usually be enough to cause the healthy parent distress and concern but covert enough that it isn’t possible to fully get support from social services or court to protect the children.
3. Parental Alienation. When the abusive person will manipulate the child into becoming estranged from the healthy parent.
4. Abuse by proxy – the children will be used as tools to control continue to control aspects of the healthy parent’s life. This may be through creating instability with contact arrangements so that the healthy parent’s social arrangements are continuously disrupted, or demanding the healthy parent attend appointments that are booked without discussion.
5. Fur babies can also be weaponised in a similar manner!

 
Legal Abuse

1. Multiple court applications – this causes significant distress and is also an attempt to continue to have control over the victim’s life. The message being that they cannot move on from the relationship until the abusive person decides that it’s over.
   
2. Continuous threats of court action – similar impact as making multiple court applications, it is also a continuation of using fear and punishment to control, and to ‘beat’ the victim into submission. The victim may learn not to voice their opinion and to go along with the demands of the abusive person. It allows for the abusive person to threaten the victim in a socially acceptable manner – it is considered within the abusive person’s rights to file court applications – unless a pattern of harassment can be established.
3. Manipulative behaviour in court – this is to appear cooperative but with malicious intent outside of court. This can be a retraumatising process for the victim, who is witnessing before their eyes that everyone believes the abusive person’s version of events only to have the abuse continue behind the scenes via email or communication over the children, for example. Some abusive people go as far as questioning the victims themselves at court fact findings which again is extremely distressing.
4. Seeking full custody – or other court applications with the intent to ‘win’ rather than authentic reasons. Many victims stay for longer than they would because they know the abusive person will stop at nothing to feel powerful, and they already feel that the abusive person is more powerful than them because of the power imbalance in the relationship. Making applications out of spite and to control is one of the ways in which the abusive person will attempt to do this.

 
Controlling Behaviour

1. Harassment – via email, text, phone, face-to-face. Usually covert but persistent and causing significant distress. May be under the guise of discussing the children or divorce to appear necessary but relentless and packed full of critical and circular communication.
   
2. Stalking – includes social media, and enlisting others to inform them what you’re up to, relocating to the same place as the victim.
3. Isolation – smear campaign or playing the victim. Manipulative behaviour towards family members, friends, teachers etc to weaken the support system of the victim and continue the cycle of isolation and control.

 
Document everything. There is a difference between saying ‘they constantly threaten me with court over nothing’ and saying ‘they have threatened me with court 28 times in the last 6 months over the following minor issues…’ It is necessary to build a clear picture of the pattern of abusive behaviour. This goes for any of the points mentioned in post separation abuse. If you can present a clear and concise argument of the pattern of abusive behaviour, it increases the ability for other to see and to gain further support. It doesn’t have to be significantly detailed, just the key points and dated, and even just one word to describe the impact of their behaviour.
 
Boundaries in Communication. The best form of communication in this situation is via email. Everything is in written form and it also gives the opportunity to only access emails when you feel prepared and to respond when you have had the opportunity to process the communication. Keep boundaries around child contact handovers, such as not allowing them into your home. If they harass you via phone, do not give them your phone number and have a separate number for them to contact you on when the children have contact. If they cannot remain respectful at handovers, move handovers to a public location.
 
Detached communication. Although it is extremely difficult, the best form of communication is to only respond to what it necessary. This means not responding to any of the emotionally provoking communication. Only responding in a factual manner to issues relating to the children or the divorce process, for example. There is no need to defend yourself against any abusive, critical and accusatory communication. This is another reason why communicating via email is optimal.
 
Self care. Remember that this can be extremely difficult to cope with – it is abuse – and you need to take the time to adequately care for yourself. Your world does not revolve around catering to the demands of the abusive person, regardless of what they would like you to believe. Try to remember that responding in a timely manner is acceptable, even if the abusive person expects you to respond within 24 hours. Try to remember to give space and time and energy to other aspects of your life so that you can breathe some fresh air into your day when the abusive person is trying to feel it with smoke and toxicity.