I’m independent, feeling free. I met someone who’s incredible. He’s older, he’s smart, and he treats me like a lady. He tells me that I’m beautiful, wise; he loves my outlook on life. I know I don’t have to think it but, hypothetically, if he hit me, I would leave him. He treats me so much better than I’ve ever been treated before. He really notices me, he compliments me, he’s texting me constantly. He’s mature, he’s smarter, and he would never hurt me. He never would, but of course, if he hit me, I would leave him.
We connect on a level that’s hard to describe. He really gets me, he wants the same things in life. For the first time I feel completely understood. I’m feeling full of hope and excitement, he says he is too! He feels the same way as I do! It couldn’t possibly happen, not in a million years, but if a man hit me, I would leave him. He says he loves me! That’s a bit quick. Wants to move in together? We’ve only been dating one month. But now, I’ve offended him, what am I doing? I may never find another soul mate like him. Ok, I’ll do it, I love you too. He won’t hit me, but if he did, I would leave him. Living together, he seems a bit distant, I wonder what’s wrong. I try to make him feel better, but nothing’s working. I try all the things he usually likes; make the house spotless, cook a nice meal, try and talk to him and show him I care. But he won’t open up; maybe I’ve done something, but what? We were so good before, I’ll try and make this work, but of course, if he hit me, I’d leave him. Things have changed, when did that happen? He gets so angry, his eyes seem possessed. Shouting and raging like I’ve never seen before. And then he’s so cold, not just distant, but silent. Sometimes for days he will ignore my existence. I beg him to forgive me, but I’m not sure what for. Suddenly things are ok again, I see the old him. If I just stop messing up he will stop getting mad. But, if he hits me, I will leave him. It’s so sweet how I’m so naive, he says. I guess it’s true, he’s smarter than me. I want to meet up with friends but he tells me he’s hurt. Don’t I ever think about how it makes him feel, he says. He has no friends nearby but I want to meet up with mine, he says. I guess it’s true, I’m selfish too. I say sorry and stay at home watching TV in silence with him. Still, if he hits me, I think I will leave him. We’re moving. He will feel less stressed living near his family again. I ask if it’s ok to meet up with friends before we leave. Are you sure that’s a good idea, he says. He points out how I abandoned my friends when we started dating and my friends are probably mad. He’s right! I’ve been a terrible friend! I won’t text them. I’m so lucky he loves me with all of my flaws. If he hit me, I guess I would leave him. We’ve moved away now. I feel so alone. He works long hours. I feel less tense when he’s not home but I miss him terribly and I’m waiting on him. I hear the key in the lock. I’m excited but my anxiety rises because I don’t know what mood he will be in. He seems ok, I try to cuddle on the sofa, but he tuts and says he’s tired and I’m needy. I feel hollow and I long for his love. If he hit me, I guess I might leave him. His friends are over. I like it when his friends are here because he is more affectionate towards me. He tells them he’s proud of me. They say how we are such a great couple, when will we get married? I see that look in his eye and when his friends leave, WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT? I panic, maybe he will leave me this time, and I feel utter despair. If he hit me, I’m not sure I’d leave him. We plan a daytrip, we don’t have them often. I try to get everything right from the start so that things go smoothly. He’s annoyed because I take too long to get out of the house, but I think it’s ok. But there’s traffic and I begin to get anxious. He starts to drive really close to the cars, surely he knows I hate that, but I dare not say anything. He SHOUTS and SWEARS and my heart sinks, I’m in trouble now. Just try to be invisible, not to make it worse. If he hit me, I don’t know if I’d leave him. It’s been like this a while now. He says that I’m too sensitive. If I don’t like him how he is, he says I can leave, I know where the door is. He says he wouldn’t try and stop me. But I’ve got nowhere to go, and I’m worth nothing. He is nice to me sometimes, maybe often, it all seems a blur. I can’t make sense of it anymore. Maybe I am too sensitive, it’s probably me. If he hit me, I don’t think I’d leave him. Something big has happened, the rages seem to get bigger. He started throwing things because I make him so angry. He says he will call the police if I touch his things, or he will hurt me if I don’t listen. He’s been telling lies, I see that now. Lies about money, his life and me. I feel numb. I feel like I’m broken. If he hit me, the pain would at least make sense, but he hasn’t and that’s not the reason I’m leaving. I left him. I feel stripped down, beaten, exhausted, lost, but I escaped and for that I feel free. But my mind remains imprisoned, I have suffered trauma, and it’s a long journey to recovery. Was it abuse? I tell them it was. Well, what did he do? they ask. I explain, but what am I really explaining, it doesn’t sound like much when my pain is so engulfing. Well, they say, it doesn’t sound great, but at least he didn’t hit you.
8 Comments
Michelle
9/26/2019 15:54:02
Oh my ... I feel the same, so trapped, worthless.
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Linda
9/27/2019 03:13:02
Wow. THAT is exactly how it feels. My jaw was open as soon as I started reading this... it’s like we walked the same path, except I married him. Fifteen years of worsening behavior - rage and silence, manipulation, lies, secrets, name calling, erosion of my self worth and ever increasing distance in other relationships, amongst other types of abuse. I am out safely 3 months. But now the real work begins... healing and going thru the divorce process. I thank God for people like you, who can share your story in a way to help others understand a difficult complex issue. I pray this pulls back the curtain for others who don’t understand what’s happening to them, help them recognize it for what it is, and give courage to leave.
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tpgproject
9/27/2019 12:00:53
Thank you Linda! Sending you strength for the divorce process, keep stong in your truth xx
tpgproject
9/27/2019 11:38:19
It is so hard not to go back because we remember and hope for the good times. Sending you strength Michelle, I hope you have support to help you on your journey forward xx
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I can relate to that. I suffered 18 years of mental abuse. I left him a year ago and he is still trying to do it. They want to destroy your life and chip away at you everyday. If someone loves and respects you they wouldn’t do it to you. I wish I’d found the strength to leave him many years ago. But now I have I am so happy I did it.
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tpgproject
9/27/2019 12:04:37
So happy for you that you found the strength and courage to leave. They can keep on trying for long after the relationship has ended, I just hope for you that your happiness continues to grow now that you have left xx
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Santiba
9/27/2019 19:50:32
Been there & through that with every relationship I ever was in. Now, at nearly 62, I've been retired nearly 4 years & am *finally* experiencing peace
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June Gray
1/7/2020 14:02:26
Thank you for sharing, I could relate to every word so eloquently put. I left after 30 years with the last one and 20 years with my husband. I am a very slow learner but so glad I did leave three years ago. He moved in right next door to me with a very young Philipino girlfriend as my punishment for leaving him. He will be 76 this year. He has just moved away so now I can continue my growth in peace.
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AuthorEmma Rose Archives
November 2020
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