The Personal Growth Project
  • Home
  • About
  • Get the Book
  • Coaching
  • Journals
  • Hidden Abuse
  • Blog
  • Home
  • About
  • Get the Book
  • Coaching
  • Journals
  • Hidden Abuse
  • Blog

If he hit me, I would leave him. A Journey of Emotional Abuse.

6/2/2018

17 Comments

 
Picture
I’m independent, feeling free. I met someone who’s incredible. He’s older, he’s smart, and he treats me like a lady. He tells me that I’m beautiful, wise; he loves my outlook on life. I know I don’t have to think it but, hypothetically, if he hit me, I would leave him.
He treats me so much better than I’ve ever been treated before. He really notices me, he compliments me, he’s texting me constantly. He’s mature, he’s smarter, and he would never hurt me. He never would, but of course, if he hit me, I would leave him.

We connect on a level that’s hard to describe. He really gets me, he wants the same things in life. For the first time I feel completely understood. I’m feeling full of hope and excitement, he says he is too! He feels the same way as I do! It couldn’t possibly happen, not in a million years, but if a man hit me, I would leave him.
 
He says he loves me! That’s a bit quick. Wants to move in together? We’ve only been dating one month. But now, I’ve offended him, what am I doing? I may never find another soul mate like him. Ok, I’ll do it, I love you too. He won’t hit me, but if he did, I would leave him.
 
Living together, he seems a bit distant, I wonder what’s wrong.  I try to make him feel better, but nothing’s working.  I try all the things he usually likes; make the house spotless, cook a nice meal, try and talk to him and show him I care. But he won’t open up; maybe I’ve done something, but what? We were so good before, I’ll try and make this work, but of course, if he hit me, I’d leave him.
 
Things have changed, when did that happen? He gets so angry, his eyes seem possessed.  Shouting and raging like I’ve never seen before. And then he’s so cold, not just distant, but silent. Sometimes for days he will ignore my existence. I beg him to forgive me, but I’m not sure what for. Suddenly things are ok again, I see the old him. If I just stop messing up he will stop getting mad. But, if he hits me, I will leave him.
 
It’s so sweet how I’m so naive, he says. I guess it’s true, he’s smarter than me.  I want to meet up with friends but he tells me he’s hurt. Don’t I ever think about how it makes him feel, he says. He has no friends nearby but I want to meet up with mine, he says. I guess it’s true, I’m selfish too. I say sorry and stay at home watching TV in silence with him. Still, if he hits me, I think I will leave him.
 
We’re moving. He will feel less stressed living near his family again. I ask if it’s ok to meet up with friends before we leave. Are you sure that’s a good idea, he says. He points out how I abandoned my friends when we started dating and my friends are probably mad. He’s right! I’ve been a terrible friend! I won’t text them. I’m so lucky he loves me with all of my flaws. If he hit me, I guess I would leave him.
 
We’ve moved away now. I feel so alone. He works long hours. I feel less tense when he’s not home but I miss him terribly and I’m waiting on him. I hear the key in the lock. I’m excited but my anxiety rises because I don’t know what mood he will be in. He seems ok, I try to cuddle on the sofa, but he tuts and says he’s tired and I’m needy. I feel hollow and I long for his love. If he hit me, I guess I might leave him.
 
His friends are over. I like it when his friends are here because he is more affectionate towards me. He tells them he’s proud of me. They say how we are such a great couple, when will we get married? I see that look in his eye and when his friends leave, WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT? I panic, maybe he will leave me this time, and I feel utter despair. If he hit me, I’m not sure I’d leave him.
 
We plan a daytrip, we don’t have them often. I try to get everything right from the start so that things go smoothly. He’s annoyed because I take too long to get out of the house, but I think it’s ok.  But there’s traffic and I begin to get anxious. He starts to drive really close to the cars, surely he knows I hate that, but I dare not say anything. He SHOUTS and SWEARS and my heart sinks, I’m in trouble now. Just try to be invisible, not to make it worse. If he hit me, I don’t know if I’d leave him.
 
It’s been like this a while now. He says that I’m too sensitive. If I don’t like him how he is, he says I can leave, I know where the door is. He says he wouldn’t try and stop me. But I’ve got nowhere to go, and I’m worth nothing. He is nice to me sometimes, maybe often, it all seems a blur. I can’t make sense of it anymore. Maybe I am too sensitive, it’s probably me. If he hit me, I don’t think I’d leave him.
 
Something big has happened, the rages seem to get bigger. He started throwing things because I make him so angry. He says he will call the police if I touch his things, or he will hurt me if I don’t listen. He’s been telling lies, I see that now. Lies about money, his life and me. I feel numb. I feel like I’m broken. If he hit me, the pain would at least make sense, but he hasn’t and that’s not the reason I’m leaving.
 
I left him. I feel stripped down, beaten, exhausted, lost, but I escaped and for that I feel free. But my mind remains imprisoned, I have suffered trauma, and it’s a long journey to recovery. Was it abuse? I tell them it was. Well, what did he do? they ask. I explain, but what am I really explaining, it doesn’t sound like much when my pain is so engulfing. Well, they say, it doesn’t sound great, but at least he didn’t hit you.

17 Comments
Michelle
9/26/2019 15:54:02

Oh my ... I feel the same, so trapped, worthless.
Why is it so hard to walk away and let go? He just sends a text and I'm ready to run back!
I dont even live with him and this is how he makes me feel ... 3 long hard years of on-off relationship... I walked away when he hot aggressive... not with me thank goodness ... but I saw it! I need to stay away!!

Reply
Linda
9/27/2019 03:13:02

Wow. THAT is exactly how it feels. My jaw was open as soon as I started reading this... it’s like we walked the same path, except I married him. Fifteen years of worsening behavior - rage and silence, manipulation, lies, secrets, name calling, erosion of my self worth and ever increasing distance in other relationships, amongst other types of abuse. I am out safely 3 months. But now the real work begins... healing and going thru the divorce process. I thank God for people like you, who can share your story in a way to help others understand a difficult complex issue. I pray this pulls back the curtain for others who don’t understand what’s happening to them, help them recognize it for what it is, and give courage to leave.

Reply
tpgproject
9/27/2019 12:00:53

Thank you Linda! Sending you strength for the divorce process, keep stong in your truth xx

tpgproject
9/27/2019 11:38:19

It is so hard not to go back because we remember and hope for the good times. Sending you strength Michelle, I hope you have support to help you on your journey forward xx

Reply
Sisanda
3/24/2023 06:54:20

Oh my word.. 80% on this poem is what I have been through and still going through. But the difference now is that I am woke, I leave my like and I take no prisoners. I am in an exit process.
Thank you so much

Reply
Dolly link
9/27/2019 07:53:46

I can relate to that. I suffered 18 years of mental abuse. I left him a year ago and he is still trying to do it. They want to destroy your life and chip away at you everyday. If someone loves and respects you they wouldn’t do it to you. I wish I’d found the strength to leave him many years ago. But now I have I am so happy I did it.

Reply
tpgproject
9/27/2019 12:04:37

So happy for you that you found the strength and courage to leave. They can keep on trying for long after the relationship has ended, I just hope for you that your happiness continues to grow now that you have left xx

Reply
Santiba
9/27/2019 19:50:32

Been there & through that with every relationship I ever was in. Now, at nearly 62, I've been retired nearly 4 years & am *finally* experiencing peace

Reply
June Gray
1/7/2020 14:02:26

Thank you for sharing, I could relate to every word so eloquently put. I left after 30 years with the last one and 20 years with my husband. I am a very slow learner but so glad I did leave three years ago. He moved in right next door to me with a very young Philipino girlfriend as my punishment for leaving him. He will be 76 this year. He has just moved away so now I can continue my growth in peace.

Reply
H
2/19/2022 16:10:33

I’ve never read something that is so closely to a T of how it feels… almost everything you wrote is how it is. And I sit here on our couch while he’s still sleeping (he’ll anger if I wake him, so im as quiet as possible and tip toeing around the house) and though I’ve gotten goosebumps from many things I’ve read about emotional/mental/physical abuse. This one did it for me… the waterworks just came. And that’s terrifying because it was so much easier to just pretend that he’s right and im crazy. That how he is, is okay. Even when other people have pointed it out to me. They’re wrong and i know him behind closed doors. But now… after reading this, I know it’s just not true and he is abusive. I still don’t think I’ll ever be able to leave… this is my second marriage and I’m so young. It’s too hard and too sad to explain if we weren’t to make it. I’m so lost.

Reply
Frances
10/25/2023 19:15:27

You are stronger than you think my love. Reach out if you need help to anyone who you can connect with x

Reply
J
8/18/2022 07:15:19

Oh please leave. I know how hard it is. I've done it 5 times now with the same person, but this time I'm gone for good. I didn't truly understand how bad it was until many hours of therapy, many books, and a class on codependency later. Please leave. Please reach out to friends or family for support. You deserve so much better, and you CAN do it. You've endured a lot, and you can endure this too. Sending you strength.

Reply
Housekeeping Services Illinois link
2/22/2023 18:09:42

Great blog youu have here

Reply
S
6/24/2023 15:33:09

Thank you for this! Really describes the whole descent into abuse and how you are a frog in boiling water. My friends also didn't get it and the things I would say he did sounded petty. Someone also told me "well did you put his hands on you? So then what's the problem?". The invalidation along the healing journey causes so much more self doubt and emotional scarring

Reply
Frances
10/25/2023 19:13:10

As soon as I started reading I knew it was my story. Thank you for this!

Reply
Dr. DG Bell
8/18/2024 12:11:33

I am a male who was married to a Neuropsychologist whose main practice was DV victims, and I learned early that upon her return home from work she required a full, uninterrupted hour of deescalation. I heard (no names were revealed) every story , narrative, and situation imaginable. There was a a very common thread that ran through those victims who did not suffer PHYSICAL abuse vs. emotional: "I wish he would just hit me instead. It would be a lot less painful." My dear hurting ladies: when you reach that level of thinking the threshold of tolerance has been breached, and you NEED to exit yourselves from this tortuous loop. I am so grateful I found this and have sent it to at least a half-dozen women I know who are just on the periphery of that threshold. I Hope that all your comments will open the eyes, ears, and hearts of those who who truly need your support. God Bless you all!
DGB, Ph.D.

Reply
Jon Fazio
8/18/2024 15:36:47

DG Bell. Excellent!

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    Emma Rose B

    Archives

    January 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018

    Category

    All

    RSS Feed

    Subscribe Today

    Emma Rose B.
    Author and Advocate

Subscribe
Privacy Policy
Cookie Policy
Terms and Conditions
Photos from Jordi Cucurull, Alachua County, llorias